What you remember when you want to remember....

When 'the way you see yourself, the way you see the world, and the way you see other people' are shocked and overturned by an event – and a gap arises between your 'orienting systems' and that event – simple stress cascades into trauma, often-mediated through sustained and severe feelings of helplessness.

This was the opening statement from my virtual visit with my psych as I returned to getting help after a long long time. I learned that when I needed real answers from a non judgemental source the psych was the best path. I am so happy I did this as it was pointed out how amazing and enlightened with myself. Of how I had embraced my own strengths and abilities. Of finally learning of my Autistic roots that explained so so much.

“In life we never know what lies ahead. What’s important is to adapt to circumstances you can’t change, no matter how difficult.”

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

Many people survived because of everyday choices they made and actions they took or chose not to take.

There are many takes on the lessons people will remember maybe for a long time or just a hint while you stare down at your napkin and wonder what else could happen.

When I was taking care of my Mom, I had to make a commitment to me and to my Mom that I would do the best I can, when i can and if I did not know how then I would ask. For me asking meant interviewing doctors, senior care centers, friends and other caregivers. There is so much bad information out there.

There would have to be a major change in lifestyle choices as well. Earning a living and be flexible to be able to jump at a moments notice all became the momentum of what I would do to survive.

But I was all in. But where was I?

I got this wild hair about bartending and all the money I could make quickly from that. So off to Bar school and then looking for a job. The farce that they only hire beauty for bars is a lie.

Yes, there are those spots but they are teasers to get you in the club but the ones that worked their ass off were the ones that made the money.

You have to hustle.

You have to not become the mess that is standing in front of you. The customer that is drooling as you look at the face of warts that resemble a relief map of the moon.

I would always look for something that was positive to say to take these images out of my head and make the customer happy.

Not only I did become a great bartender but I ended up managing them as well as servers, cooks, basically anyone in the service industry for a huge company. It was my way of surviving and staying involved in the entertainment biz. I worked as major film studios, A list parties and all the elite award events all over Hollywood. For me its always go big or go home. The greatest thing though were the conversations I got to have with some of the most brilliant, talented and hugely successful stars of the showbiz world. I was working with the studios before as I was learning how to maneuver Hollywood.

When we were on lockdown, I was the only friend some of them had because being famous can you make you the loneliest person in the world if you forget who you are as a person. I am friend to many A listers. I never reveal them to anyone, but then again I have files and files of NDA(Non disclosure agreements) that is my contract with them. To be real with all of you, I would never cross that line. Why would I give up some of the best human life moments being shared with me as I would realize I am just like they are in so many ways.

I am passionate about my life and the ones that are in my world are as well. I would not trade them for anything.

There were so many lessons that I could relate to them not to mention the lessons learned from my miracle Mom.

Despite her tremendous hardships in the Holocaust, my mother never lost hope that she would survive and rebuild her life.

She would say, “I never gave in. I was always an optimist. My spirit was not broken. I never gave up, not when I was hungry; not when I was freezing cold. I never gave in.”

Being of service and helping others helps to put our own problems into perspective, has health benefits and enhances our self-esteem.

In Jewish culture, that’s encapsulated in a concept known as Tikkun olam – acts of kindness performed to repair the world. By doing or giving acts of kindness from the heart, you learn to repair your own.

The pandemic has its daily media stories about death tolls, lack of social interaction, and ongoing uncertainty which were just a few of the major stressors people faced over the past year, but the truth is everyone's experience has been unique. It has been personal. I spent the entire year of going over every single person I would remember that caused me so much pain. I would forgive each moment so I could forget them. That's how you release it all.

The disruption to our routines and lack of activity took a toll on everything from how well we slept to what we ate. No matter how mentally healthy we were prior to the pandemic, this year showed us how important that the people we interact with and the things we surround ourselves with matter.

Most of my “go-to” coping skills were taken away this year. Gyms closed, gatherings with friends were discouraged, and large events were canceled. I had just spent years learning about the power of hugging to not be able to hug.

Many people found themselves sitting at home without their usual mood boosters. Consequently, people looked for other coping skills, like doing yoga from their living rooms or reading books. One of my closest acting friends took to the internet and produced his own stand up comedy but was sitting down.

He grew his talent as I grew from watching him. It is a great moment in your head when you know the decision to support someone elses talent because the moment you meet them you see them larger than they imagine.

But the best thing is after all that you find you were so right about them

It reminded us that it’s essential to have many different tools to help us manage our emotions and cope with distress. While we hopefully won’t ever have to be quarantined again, there may be times when you lose access to your usual coping skills for one reason or another.

The twists and turns of the pandemic also showed us that we should never declare ourselves “strong enough.” Just like your physical muscles need ongoing strength training, so do your mental muscles. Otherwise, they’ll grow weak. Our own mental health has to be constantly cared for on a daily bases. Thank god for all the A Ha!! moments from Oprah,

We tend to be stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

• It is showing us that our most precious possessions are not things, but our loved ones. Our most valuable resource is not money, but time.

• It is reminding us of what a beautiful world we live in and must protect.

It's been a difficult year for many of us, but that certainly doesn't mean we haven't grown from it. The pandemic has been difficult and it's important to validate everyone's experiences during this crisis. We may not all be on the exact same boat, but we're all on the same ocean, facing the same tides. We are all a part of this world

It's perfectly okay if some people aren't ready to talk about "everything they've learned so far" this year. Believe meI I have not had to ask. I just stand in front of people as they release their points of view.

There's been a lot to grieve for, and not everyone has necessarily accepted loss quite so readily. But from my own standpoint, we've been fortunate enough to really catch some eye-opening realisations that otherwise never would have come to light had it not been for the pandemic.

Another realisation we've made is really just how fortunate we are to be living in such a modern time as this. Granted, there have been so many upsets—political, economic, social—but think about how incredible it is that people have managed to create vaccines, medicine, and other innovations in such a short amount of time. There are so many things that people can do if they just put their mind to it, and that's a pretty encouraging thought to have.

People have also become more appreciative of others during the pandemic. No doubt, you've had people to lean on someone during this time of crisis. It can be your family members, your friends, your partner, the friendly deliveryman, or the noble healthcare worker. I think we've all learned to be more appreciative of the people around us and have probably learned that it's okay to ask for help too.

Lastly, this pandemic has given most of us a much-needed time to pause and perhaps reorient ourselves in terms of planning for the future. Nothing like a major global event to really make you think about what's important to you, and what you want your future to look like.

So what then is there to be optimistic about? After dealing with so much, it seemed at first that as soon as the mask were removed so were the memories. No so!! At least for myself.

So it would be ridiculous to think that we would all be better off than before. Another point for myself it was as if the goals set for me in my journal would start where we left off. Not the case for me totally, but there were some things I had made giant leaps forward that I am just realizing every day.

So, everyone has their own answer to that question.

Always been your own answer. Always been....

Just personally, one thing to keep in mind is that, if history has proven anything, it's that things always go back to normal. Not a new normal where it's suddenly taboo to hug a friend or go to a party. But normal, like before. It will doubtless take time, years for sure, but at the end of the day,

This was not the first pandemic that humans have dealt with, and modern technology has made us all much better equipped than our ancestors were when they faced similar circumstances.

We all go through our own process of dealing with grief, shock, or anxiety. Optimism may or may not be what you need or want at the moment, but if it's any consolation, know that if there are still things to believe in. That is where I am at right now for sure.

We have resumed the taste of walking slowly, to escape and symbolically get closer to its initiatory role ... the road teaches you that you fall, you get up, you go back, you make miraculous encounters and sometimes you are helped by angels or in some cases by the satans in the world.

We have given importance to windows and balconies, from where you can observe small corners of the world. Terraces from which to peer into the universe, to observe the rising sun, setting, to discover that in the sky there is a wonderful creature called the Moon, accompanied by billions of stars. For me I finally had a chat with my neighbors who are no longer perfect strangers. But to only realize that we really have not a thing in common.

We all made friends with boredom and, let's face it, we found that time, in general, is not just that marked by watches.

“I hope that some of you could realize how much of your identity was tied into your job.

I get it! I was a writer, a producer, a talent manager a day to day comedian.

But even after taking a detour to take care of my Mom and after a year or more of isolation.

You know what, I am still all those things.

I know some of you lost your job and I know it is tough. And some of you found their own jobs. Made lemonade from lemons.

I get it. BUT you will always have a job and your job is you.

You are so much more than just your job.

You are you. No one else is you. You are unique!

So think about what else you are. Maybe a parent, a sibling, or a horrible singer or maybe you are an aunt or uncle, maybe a good cook or maybe a horrible cook. A karaoke all star or in your mind you sing so well that people need ear plugs.

I say think about who you are not what you did to make money.

Also have a routine! Have a goal

Routine is key. It helps with depression and if you are not depressed by all means don't go looking for it.

We will get though this.

There is life after this apocalypse!”

We are not the walking dead. We are alive.....

I just want to thank all of the people in my world. With all your imperfections, flaws, talents and heart. And to my readers all over, thanks for being here when I needed you most. I am here for all of you. So thanks for being here for me. Lets live!!!

Rand Angel for Live Live Live. Welcome back!!!!

Until then I will be here Dancing on My Own..